Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Meaning of Beauty

I realized this last weekend that my hair was falling out inordinately, and that I could even see my scalp through my hair in certain areas. I could not figure out what caused this initially. But after some reflection, I realized that the prior months had been incredibly stressful as I made my job transition from one higher education institute to another. Prior to last year, I had thought I would continue working the evening shift while painting during the day. But life had other plans, and I am now at work by 8:30 a.m. each day, which has lead me to put art on the back burner.

This is my 10th year out of college, and there has been much juggling in the last decade, usually with full time school and part time job, or full time job and part time school. It's been strange to not be in school for the past year. A part of me misses the routine of drawing, of arriving at the studio first thing in the morning and drawing for hours. But another part of me realizes I must move on from these studies and find my own voice in my work.

Right now is perhaps the most difficult period of my artistic life thus far - figuring out what I want to paint or draw, wondering if there is any value to any of my ideas, while battling fatigue and fear to actually devote myself to studio time. It feels like everything hinges on me getting to the studio each evening, and each time I fail to make it out of my apartment is yet another failure.

Things reached a breaking point when I noticed my hair loss this last week, I told myself that it was time for me to practice some self care, and to not push myself so hard. The constant pressure to do something, to make something of my time and to perform was causing me so much stress that I could not do much except stew in anxiety and then battle through another day or work and unproductive studio time.

Rockeby Venus by Diego Velasquez

It also lead me to think about the idea of beauty and permanency. A lot of contemporary artists paint in similar genres. Examples include seated/reclining nudes, portraits, landscapes, or allegory. What I find intriguing is that few artists use models who actually look like real people, as in people with wrinkles, scars, sags, and other imperfections. A lot of artists will make a model look more perfect in their work, thereby enhancing the idea that beauty is the study of perfection rather than truth, and that physical beauty is the universal language of human desire. However, the human condition is one of continuous decay and regeneration, and the processes of aging and death are rarely represented in paintings, since most artists are fixated upon capturing beauty. Even when aging is represented, it is more of a study in technical proficiency rather than commentary on the actual process of aging itself.

While I'm the product of the atelier system, which has revived classical drawing and painting and given many contemporary artists sound techniques, I have been feeling more and more drawn to non representational art, mainly for their devotion to exploring contemporary issues. Few artists I know of in the contemporary field are exploring topics such as gender, poverty, and politics. It seems like the market is being saturated with genre paintings catering to patrons who want to decorate their homes with works of similar aesthetics.

So what is the artist's choice? Granted some artists are creating work outside of these genres (Vincent Desiderio, Steven Assael, Rose Freymuth-Frazier), but these seem to be the exceptions and not the rule. While there is something hugely satisfying about carefully rendering an object so that the viewer is awed by the illusion created, something seems to be missing from the contemporary painting world. There is a disconnect between contemporary realism and the rest of the world, as if we are representing the 1 percent of privilege that exists outside of the realm of the 99 percent faced with real problems.

What is the purpose of art if not to speak truth? For beauty will fade, but truth remains. I grow tired of allegory and talking in circles, and wish for something more visceral, more connected to the actualities in which we live. I'm not speaking of painting to shock or to glorify ugliness and pain, but rather depicting something that calls to the humanity within each of us, outside of the ideologies of mass culture and consumption, something that would be sincere and true. Perhaps this is the direction in which my work will progress, and I must find my own voice and vision in this grand tapestry that we call life...

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